You know, I've been thinking about this a lot.
Trust is so much more complicated than everyone makes it out to be. Isn't it? Or is it?
I've been baffled many times with trust. Sometimes it is super easy, and more often than not, it is so difficult - to the point of wanting to hide away from everyone. To the point of, why would I put myself in a situation where I'm not in control of my own emotional fate? Why would I put my trust in someone or something when I don't know the outcome? Would my trust in that someone or something be worth it in the end?
I don't know about you, but trust is the hardest thing to do naturally for me, now. It seems that I have changed over the years - let me explain. When I was a child, I remember pinky promising constantly with my girl friends, and we NEVER broke promises. Actually, I am still holding a secret that one of my friends told me in second grade, because that is what I said I would do. She entrusted me with her secret, and I respected her by never telling another soul. Still. Fast forward to junior high school, I chose to trust someone [no names], and that someone hurt me. And actually, that situation and countless other situations, were just the beginning of my downward spiral of un-trust. That molded who I was for a long time. I then began a lifestyle of "well, if I can't trust you, which is highly likely, then I will never let you know the true me, since people like you have hurt me before." This began my "I'm keeping you at a distance for a reason" attitude. I didn't want to get hurt. Ever again. Not on my watch. It's the "I'm not gracing you with the ability to hurt me" attitude. "I'm not being dooped again" attitude. "I'm not letting you know me and my hurts, because I have been made fun of for that before, and I'm not risking you judging me for that same reason" attitude.
If you asked my family, "when Janette dated a guy, before she met her now husband, did she stay true to who she was?" They will flat out say, "Nope, she molded to whoever she was with. She didn't know who she was. She was a chameleon."
And that was partially true. If that guy liked a certain type of music, I liked that certain type of music. If they liked sports, I liked sports. If they loved cars, I loved cars. I was the type to mold to whoever was around me. And why was that? It was because I did not want to be made fun of for being different. I wanted to be liked. I wanted to be what they wanted. I wanted to be wanted. The sad thing is, I knew who I was deep down. I just wanted to be someone different. Junior high comments to me [and there was a lot of them - all negative and degrading], made me not feel "up to par" with what the world said I should be or look like. So, why should I trust someone to actually want to be around me, or for that matter, actually want... me?
You are probably wondering, what the heck does that have to do with anything? Let me tell you. It has everything to do with everything. I was not okay trusting anyone with... me. I am a complicated creature, and I was not okay with entrusting anyone with... me. Who could handle me? I'm a handful, so why would I be worth anyone's time? How could I trust anyone to like or love me for who I actually was? This affected every single one of my relationships, girl friends too.
It all boiled down to - I just was not good enough or worth it. Things in my past had molded me into thinking, "I am just not worth it. I'm just not worth being looked at. If people have chosen to hurt me, then I am not worth it, and I will be hurt in the same way again if I choose to trust again. I just won't trust anyone. That way, I won't be dooped again." Whether it be people who had hurt me in the past, or situations where I just knew that giving up my control would cause more strife... That is where my un-trust had been coming from.
Me. Me not being able to accept that I was perfect in God's image. Those mean words from people were taking precedence over what God was saying about me.
Psalm 139:13-16
"13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be."
I had chosen to not trust who God made me to be. To not believe that I was beautiful in His image. To not believe that he created my frame. To believe that I was not worth looking at, because of how there are women out there being paid to be looked at and pursued. Victoria's Secret models. Kate Winslet (Rose) in Titantic. Catherine McCormack (Murron) in Braveheart. Eva Mendes (Sara) in Hitch. That those women are worth it, since they have "actual" beautiful bodies, that they are pursued. I had chosen to believe that since I was "skinny," and have been labeled "tiny" and "stick" my whole life, that I had no features that would attract anyone [yes, I have been told that in the past, sad huh?] - I chose to believe that. People in my past had branded those words in my head. "Skinny" and "Tiny." And always has a negative. Women say, "Gosh I would love to have your problem!" "I would love to be you!" "I would love to not be able to gain weight!" But you see, they don't see from my perspective. They have only seen it from the other perspective. But ladies, I am here to tell you - all of us are struggling with the same issue. Whether it be, that we have "too much" or "too little." ...we are all being fed lies. These lies affect our trust life.
The lie of society. Saying that we are just not good enough. Well, we ARE. God has told us time and time again, that our bodies ARE beautiful, and we ARE beautifully and wonderfully made. And we ARE worth it. Do not let ANYONE lie to you. God is the ultimate creator. He doesn't create ugly. Just doesn't do it. He is perfect. Whatever He touches is perfect. He has touched you by giving you life. Whether you believe in God or not, He still was the one who created you - and your beautiful physique. Your beautiful face. Your pretty smile.
Which brings me back to trust. It DOES affect everything. If you are feeling unhappy with how people are treating you, your trust somewhere, somehow has been affected or will be affected. And trust is impervious to growing as a woman. You either trust that God has created you beautiful, or you don't. You either trust that God will provide for your every need, or you don't. Trust is essential to having a relationship blossom. If you aren't close to God, that's not His fault - it's yours. You are choosing to not trust in Him and what He offers. Same as this, you either trust that your husband loves you, or you don't. If you keep accusing him, that relationship will be strained - and it will grow stagnant - and maybe fall apart. Yes, it is the guy's responsibility to show you that he loves you and that you are his princess - and it's his responsibility to stay faithful [I'm not watering that down], but it is always your responsibility to show you trust him - it's a form of respect. He will naturally fall more in love with you, when you show you trust him. That is why you married him in the first place, right? You saw that he was someone you could trust. And why do you choose the friends you have? It is because you can trust them with your whole heart. Do you see where I'm going with this?
Trust is powerful. Trust is in your hands to give it up, be afraid of, or to embrace. Give up that control you crave. Give up that fear you have, that someone will always hurt you. Yes, sad to say, people can hurt you. Husbands have the capability to cheat - and marriages can end because of it. But DO NOT let that control you. Or your trust in the future. God is faithful - that is what matters. Taking that hurt, and recognizing it - and forgiving - and letting it go - and TRUST that no matter what... God hears you. God cares. God is trustworthy. God loves you. And you can TRUST that God will never leave you.
Trust begins with God. When you fully put your trust in God, He will provide the rest. When you begin to trust Him, He'll let you know what is safe to trust and what is not. The truth will be revealed if you let Him.
Psalm 56:3
"When I am afraid, I will trust in you."
